It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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