he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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