Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
