This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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