My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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