Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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