I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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