After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
