I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
