you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
