It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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