Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
What a dumb baby whore.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
