Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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