between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
