Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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