Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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