i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
