im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
