the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Randomize
