if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
