My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
