I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
