I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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