Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
