I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
