He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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