omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
