something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
