Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
