Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
