I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Couch. On fire.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
