The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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