I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize