Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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