When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
