I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
pray to the hookup gods
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
