You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize