So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
