The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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