Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
