it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
