highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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