I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
