if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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