In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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