Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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