Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
