Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
