OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Found your dick twin last night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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