He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
