ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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