I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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