The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize