I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
