The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize