i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize