Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Randomize
