True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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