My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize