I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
