someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
